6 years, 4 weeks and 2 days

What a dumb day! You would think getting your braces off would be a good day, albeit a bit painful. Not so in this case. In fact, it was one of the worst 'good' days I've had. It reminded me very much of my 16th birthday, another of those days that was suppose to be great but ended up sucking big time.

Slide backwards a few years...ok almost 1/2 my life ago... Sweet 16, something to get excited about eh? My oldest sister, Ronda, bought me roses and balloons and had them delivered to the school. My other sister, Renda, came to town to take me after school to get my license. Lunch time rolls around and I run out to the parking lot to discover that both of my lunch buddies have abandoned me. My boy friend thought I was going with my best friend and my best friend, Kenda, thought I was going with my boyfriend.

Nice. Alone, on my birthday, my 16th birthday, carrying around a bunch of roses and balloons. I go to the office to call my sister to tell her that I'm not staying at school the rest of the day and ask her to please come get me now! I then walk out to the parking lot lovingly dubbed "BFE" where Kenda's Granny Wagon is parked. (Sidebar - It may have seemed like an old station wagon but we LOVED the Granny Wagon! It was awesome! And nobody could do the Washington 'Dip' better than Kenda in the Granny Wagon!) All my stuff was LOCKED inside the Granny Wagon. All my stuff, my purse, my books, my backpack. We lived like a block away from each other, it's not like I couldn't have just got everything from her after school. But that isn't the point!

I see that the little flip window was open and try to stick my arm in to unlock the door, no good. My arm is way to short. The vice principal is driving through the lot about that time and I am sure I'm about to get in trouble for trying to break into a car. When he gets out I just started to explain that all my crap is in the car and I'm locked out and everyone left me for lunch...all while on the brink of tears. So, like any good principal, he helped me break into the Granny Wagon. He never asked if it was my car...and I never said it wasn't. So after several near melt downs my sister shows up, I get my crap and we are off. I wish that today had been that good of a day...

I don't do mornings. I just don't. I hate being up early, and early to me is before 9:30 and even then, I'm not happy about my sleep being over. Today I had to get up and take Stephen to work since we are a one van family right now. I get back home just in time to get everyone ready since I have an appointment at 10:20 to get my braces off! Yippee!

9:35 - All kids dressed, all kids loaded into the van...wait, there is one missing... why is the oldest not here... He's getting the dog hooked up on his chain, but then here he comes with the dog collar in hand and the dog close behind him. "I was looking at some birds and I tripped and spilled his dog food and it was too far from his chain for me to hook him up..I tried to drag him over to it, but he slipped out of his collar."

I hop out of the van, have Stephen fetch some ham, and head back to Duke's chain. After untangling it from the pole I use the ham to get him close to the collar, but he's fast and dodges in and out to quickly. After a few more tries we get him recollared and hooked to his chain. In house, wash hands, out of house, back in van, on way.

We arrive at Stef's house to unload all the kids that are staying with her. Randon is going with me since he has a consult appointment since his teeth are just like mine were, jacked up. After the dog fiasco, we are running late so I run kids in and run back out and we are off. All is well. We had to go the south office for this appointment so it is quite a drive. We get there only 5 minutes late, doing good. We get back to the room fairly quickly and I take my seat in the exam chair. Everyone is amazed that I am FINALLY getting these suckers off. Doc comes in and starts snapping off those brackets. The force it took to get them off, I am surprised that kids break them off so often. It doesn't really hurt much, just like the pressure when they change my wires and not as bad as when they would pull those power chains so tight I think my teeth might shatter.

Then he gets out his little drill with the sandpaper style head on it and starts grinding away the glue spots on my teeth. Not so bad....except the assisting, Heidi, is squirting water in my mouth too and the limited suction is causing me to feel like I'm drowning. Every now and again when I start to gag and sputter, they pause and get the lake out of my mouth. Now...they get to my front teeth, and they are sensitive. That drill and cold water was more than I bargained for. I was white knuckling the mirror they had given me to hold in one hand and the exam chair with the other. I even made some noise a few times that I needed a second. They would just keep on going with no reprieve until I started thrashing my feet a little bit or pulling my head back! Not fun! If you have ever had a cavity and then taken a big drink of ice cold water and it hit that cavity and it sent you to the roof...it was like that, only on several teeth at one time and I couldn't just warm my mouth back up or make it stop in any way! NO BUENO!!

My heart rate is through the roof and I'm actually getting nauseous and shaky over all this. I must say, I'm a touch chic, and I've been through hell and back with my teeth, jaw and face over the past 7 years and I can handle a LOT of dental pain. Not saying this to brag, just to express the magnitude of the disaster of today considering all that I have been through with dental work, oral surgery, oral surgery, orthodontics, oral surgery, oral surgery and more orthodontics. After more grinding of glue, drowning on water and being sent to the roof, we are done. Oh, Happy Day, the braces are off and my teeth are smooth and I'm not even sore. I know they will ache a little in the days to come, but usually I leave that place feeling like I want a chocolate shake for dinner (eaten with a spoon since even sucking through a straw hurts like crazy).

We then have to do my impressions, which I have done twice before, and already knew they weren't fun and make you want to gag. Two lower, two upper. No biggie. Done. Pick up retainers in a couple hours. Got it, can do!

Now it's Randon's turn for his consult. They had already done his x-rays while I was being drilled to death by the glue getter. Doc takes a look, tells me what's going, no surprises, let's do it. His impressions didn't go as well as mine. He screams, he cries, he kicks, he pukes. Twice. A quick visit with Sami, a sweet, quiet young gal who is an expert on the financial end of this mess, 600 bucks later and a contract for a few thousand more we are done. Again. Praise God, lets go eat.

Randon picks Chick-Fil-A for lunch and we go in, sit down and enjoy a nice lunch together recalling some of the horror we had just experienced together that has surely bonded us for life while causing him years of therapy and me years of Xanax use. With still a little time to kill before we have to pick up my retainers (which will be quick in, quick out) we decide to run to Michael's which is only about ten miles away according to my husband. We head out in the direction he sends us only to end up NOT where he told us we would. Then he argues with me about where I am and where I am not. Whatever, I get there....way after I expected to, run in, don't have what I want, run out and head back to the torture chamber, I mean the orthodontics office.

We run in and sit. And sit. And sit. I finally approach the counter to remind the front desk gal, Anna that I have to go all the way back to Edmond to relieve my sitter of the 7 kids she has and her shift was up hours ago. Normally I would be thrilled to wait there for an hour if need be since I'm usually childless and can read a magazine and never once have to say something like "Will you please not shove your brother's finger up his nose....or your nose." They got me back quickly so I know we are on the home stretch. Lets try these suckers on, adjust to fit and head home. Or not.

Kim comes in with these mouth pieces for me that look like I'm in the corner prepping to fight Rocky. She asks me to try them on. I get the bottom one on no problem, the top doesn't fit so well. It's down fairly low in my mouth. I know they want me to wear these all the time and that is just laughable considering I sounded like I had an entire Snickers bar stuck to the roof of my mouth. Doc comes in and takes a look. Oh, no, that isn't all the way on...so he jams it up over my teeth while I try not to die. Once in, the retainer itself didn't hurt. My left molars did since they were the only teeth making any contact with each other when I bit down. I always love it when they say "Bite down. (pause) Bite down all the way on your back teeth." I freaking am, but only a couple of them touch each other okay!

Doc sits up the chair and suggests I practice taking them in a out a few times before hitting the road. Sure, no problem. Bottom one out, back in, back out, back in. Tada! I'm a pro! Now for the top. Umm, this isn't working, it's not coming out...at all. "You will probably have to use your fingernails to pull down on both sides to get it down." Doc says. Uh huh, yea, um, no. Not moving. My nails are like paper and bend and shred at the slightest use so there is no way these weak babies are getting this new super glued layer of nightmare plastic off my teeth. Clearly, it will have to stay on forever. Kim comes in again and says she will help me get it off. She takes a crack at it and it's still on. I'm certain it's now permanent, or I will want it to be after they start trying to pry it off.

Kim disappears for a minute and comes back donning this little pink plastic thingy with a hook at one end. She tried to hook it on the retainer and pull down. Again with the white knuckling! After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably more like a year or so, it's about 1/2 way off. Randon is visibly concerned and comes to my side to hold my hand. As Kim starts to tug on it again I start to grip whatever is near as my teeth feel like they are being pulled from my mouth. I push Randon's hand away after I realize I am digging my nails into his wrist and grab onto the arm rest. It literally felt like 3 or 4 of my teeth were being torn from their sockets as the retainer was being pulled down. There were tears in the corners of my eyes and my heart was beating like crazy. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my hands start to shake.

With all that I have had done to my face, there have only been three times I have wanted to scream, cry or kick someone. Once was when a young guy at the orthodontics office was replacing a wire and was jamming the end into the flesh at the back of my mouth so deep I almost kicked him. I guess he stopped when my mouth pooled with blood. The second was during a follow up to one of my oral surgeries where a shunt was placed in my cheek to drain infection from a previous surgery into my mouth (yes, it was a gross as it sounds). My doc was unavailable so some torturous fellow filled in and squeezed my face so hard with some pointy tweezers that he bruised my cheek. I almost kicked him too, really...I was thrashing pretty good. I swear he enjoyed it.

Kim had to stick the retainer remover in a few different spots to get the retainer off of my teeth and out of my mouth. Each place it was put felt like it was being stabbed with needles since my gums were swollen and sensitive. After it was finally off, I laid in the exam chair, flustered and depleted while texting my husband about the horrifying experience. It's a good thing he wasn't there, he wouldn't have been very nice with me in pain, even when it wasn't anyone's fault.

Kim worked on the retainer and came back and tried again. Similar experience as before but with a little less tugging, while knuckling and tears. She goes back yet another time to work on the retainers. Finally this time I don't want to run screaming from the place when I put them on. Taking them off still hurts like crazy, but it's doable without screaming or striking anyone. In other words, it's safe to come into the bathroom while I'm doing it, but don't ask me for anything because the answer is still "OOooowww!!"

Completely wiped out both physically and emotionally, Randon and I drag our defeated selves to the van and drive back to Stef's with very minimal exchange of words. We get back to Stef's and wonder into the house. Kids are mostly outside but a they venture in a couple at a time and view my new look, a look some of them have never seen before since it hadn't existed during their lifetime. After apologizing profusely for being extremely late and messing up Stef's date with Eli, I decided to load up the kids and head out. Problem number 1, shoes. Everyone has taken off their shoes in different places and only one kid could locate and put his one without assistance from everyone around! After what seemed like forever, the kids are shoed and shoved out the door. I run back in to grab the keys but can't find them anywere.

Stef and I, along with the oldest kids start hunting down the keys. We look under the table, all through my purse (three times) and all over the kitchen before finding them....in the van. Locked. In. The. Van. As this sinks in I flip the switch and start with the psycho mommy voice and try to retain some semblance of control over the situation, kids and myself. Some are looking better than others. Micah pulls up just in time to enjoy the near miss of a psycho mommy melt down. He finds a wire hanger and he and Stef attemp to break into my van while I head for the medicine cabinet for something that might help me to not scream bloody murder and run down the street waving my arms around like a maniac.

Finally, the car thieving couple get the deed done and we are in the car...with the keys. I load up 4 children so we can pick up Daddy from work, then Landon from work, then Lynley from Grandma's to take Landon home, and Lynley to our house.

Since I hadn't gone grocery shopping yet our options for dinner were chicken and nothing. So Lynley and Aven go to the store to get some side dishes for our dinner while I lay down in my bed and shut the door. I feel straight to sleep. I know it wasn't long, since the store isn't very far, but that little bit of time, that brief check out of reality, did wonders for the rest of the night. My blood pressure my still have been a little up...but I was able to calmly enjoy some grilled chicken and shells and cheese with my family.

I wish I had some grand ending to this terrible story but I don't. I've been told so many times over the past 6 years, 4 weeks and 2 days "Oh you will be so glad you did it when it's all over." I've been told countless times between visits to the oral surgeon (to have my lips peeled back, gums sliced open and bones chiseled and spread apart, teeth removed, shunts put in and shunts taken out) "Oh, it's not that bad and it won't be forever." And I've heard it said many times as I go back and forth to the orthodontist (to have brackets put on, expanders put in, removed, retainers in, retainers out, bands here, spacers there, buttons here, power chains there, springs here, hooks there) "It will be all worth it when it's over!"

Well guess what all of you people who have said "You will be glad you did it, "It won't last forever or "It will be worth it when it's done." It's over, it didn't last forever, it's done and you know what? I wish I had never done any of this. It was not worth it, it was a terrible experience I would never wish to repeat and I would wipe it from my history of experiences if I could. Perhaps it's just easy for me to sit here and type this since I'm no longer in the place I was in before we began this journy. That place where I couldn't open my mouth wide enough to get in a Hershey's Kiss. If I had to visit there again I might reconsider...I do love a Hershey's kiss......Nah, there's always chocolate shakes!