Monday the 18th, just 3 days after my brothers 36th birthday.... Again, I am awakened in the night, plagued by a strange and uncomfortable wakefulness that I cannot shake. After about an hour and a half I stop tossing and jolting and finally find the peaceful sleep I was in when I heard a knock on our bedroom window. Not sure of what I had heard, I shove my husband awake and ask "Did someone just knock on our window?" and then there it was again. Sure that something terrible had happened to my mother, I bolted across the bedroom and pulled the blinds apart. My brother in law stood there saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, you gotta let me in." Stephen headed down the hall and I grabbed my baby boy and took off after him. He let my brother in law and his daughter in. It was apparent that they had both been crying. Knowing that a hard blow was coming my brother in law choked up. "I can't!" he said and turned away. My niece, between sobs told us that "They found Danny." The unbelievableness of it was there, like a cloud, choking out reality. "What?" was all I could muster. "They said he went to sleep and didn't wake up." "Where?" "At Devon's" "Devon found a pill, she gave it to the police" "Mom went there, but it was too late." "Renda is going to Enid if you want to ride with us." Bits and pieces of information were flying around the room like ping pong balls. It seemed like they were only there for a few seconds. Before they even got out of the driveway, a flood of emotions exploded. My knees started to shake and I could feel my legs giving away. Stephen was there, catching me, lowering me with the baby in my arms, to the ground. I had not even begun to mourn my dad. I mean really mourn him. I remember thinking I would call Dawn, my best friend, and then realized that I had just called her. She came out to be with us, a strange repeat of the previous Monday. This began what was the most bizarre deja vu filled week of my life. Someone called my sister Ronda and she went to mom immediately. She walked in and mom pointed at her and screamed "IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE!" I don't know how, but Mom had managed to drive home from Devon's house.
I don't know how much time passed before Renda, Jimmy and Danny's son Landon came back to pick me up. On the drive to Enid I started to write a second obituary. I hadn't been in the car 2 minutes before the "If Onlys" started. "If only the counselor would have called 10 minutes earlier." "If only we could have gotten him help." "STOP!" I yelled at everyone. With scripture reguarding this fresh in my mind I told them "The enemy is going to try and use this against all of us. The bible says 'your days are written, before one of them began' so it doesn't matter what anyone did or didn't do or could have done. It wouldn't change the outcome of this story." I'm not sure everyone believed it, but it stopped the exchange for the time being.
Ronda called us as we were driving into Enid and asked us to meet her at my dad's apartment. Once there, seeing all of his things and his clothes, I broke down. I grabbed his jackets and pleaded with my sisters not to give Dad's things to our cousin Larry. "I don't care where they go, just don't give them to him!"
Arriving at my mother's house, we found cars lining the streets. Many of my brothers friends were gathered in the front yard. Walking into the house, there was so many people that there was no were to sit, yet an old silence floated around. I saw my mother in her corner chair and went to her. I kneeled down and with my head in her lap and cried, I cried and cried. I stayed there until my legs were numb.
Knowing we had to start working on funeral arrangements, again, my sisters and I headed to the funeral home. My mother maintained the "I don't want to deal with this now" motto, so we plugged on. Someone had the foresight to call the cemetery and halt the burial of Dad's ashes. Sitting in the office, giving data for yet another death certificate I look up and say to the guy "You know, you are a nice guy, and I like you, but I don't want to spend anymore time with you." Everyone agreed!
One week prior, on our way into the room to choose an urn, the gentleman turned around and said "Now there are caskets in here, just so you aren't freaked out." A second trip into said room didn't warrant this warning. As he unlocked the door, I turned to my sisters and say "Now, just so you know, there are caskets in here." The comical release provided by my slightly inappropriate humor were vital to the upkeep or our mental faculties during this time. It may seem out of line to someone outside of my family, but to us, it was necessary and welcomed.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Rough Week
What a difficult and incredible couple of weeks we have had. My poor mother...
Monday, Feb 11th around 5:45 I started an uncomfortable wakefulness that would not leave me. At 6, My Randon came and crawled into my bed. He is a lone sleeper and this is a rarity. The phone began to ring and I knew the news was bad. My mother told me that my father had passed away. While he had been sick, it wasn't totally expected. It wasn't entirely unexpected either. My sister, Ronda, had visited him on Thursday and he talked he ear off and was doing well. My mom and brother visited on Sunday and he stayed 'asleep' (unresponsive) during the entire visit. Sunday morning before their visit, he wasn't feeling great and told his favorite nurse "I'm done." Shortly thereafter he went unresponsive until he past at 6 am on Monday. My sister, Renda, was called within minutes of his death, and the chain of calls went quickly thereafter. My sister Renda and I went to Enid to be with our family.
My brother and mother were both very visable affected. No one wanted to decide anything. Even my bossy big sister just kept saying "I don't know, what do you think?" Being shoved into the uncomfortable position of desicion makers, Renda and I both went into a cloud of 'get it done.' This mode seemed to stay with us all week. I don't recall either of us breaking down, or crying more than a few tears. There were many times that I felt judged by others because I wasn't a mere puddle of grief. At times, I felt like saying "Don't belittle my pain because I'm not bawling, it's still here and it's still real!" My father's sense of humor was given to my brother and I. During the mess of decisions, I inadvertantly became the 'slightly inappropriate' humorist my father would have been. My mother, who for the most part lacks a sense of humor, seemed to appreciate the lightheartedness in a such a sad sitation.
That first night, Renda, Mom and I sat and went through her massive trunks of pictures. She has talked about doing that very thing for the past year, but time didn't lend itself for that. Renda and I each had our pile of pictures to steal. Mom spotted Renda's and said "You're not taking those!" (that's the feisty red head we know and love!) and Renda replied "Now Mom, you've been good all day, don't start this now!" I was a little more descrete and laid mine in the dining room near other pictures. She spotted those and said "Are those the ones you are trying to steal?" My smile gave me away. Amazingly she came off of the ones both of us wanted! We had a wonderful end to a very sad day.
We opted to have the service at Anew Church, the network LifeChurch.tv that we opened last year. It was fitting because my father 'didn't do church' for over 40 years and when we went with us to LifeChurch.tv, he came back with us and even got to meet Pastor Craig. I wanted to do the eulogy at my dad's service, but I was terrified. I have never spoke in front of so many people, at least not by myself. So, I wrote it, but declined to deliver it. My husband created an awesome slide show of my dad with over 200 pictures and the most fitting songs ever. Having never planned a memorial service, I was nervous about it running smoothly. When my best friend and her husband arrived at the church and sat on the back row, I joined them. I actually 'hid' there for a time. So many questions and decisions had been directed at me, I just wanted to escape them for a time. It wasn't a long time before I was spotted and called on again.
The service ran perfectly. Several people told me it was wonderful and many said it was 'just what your dad would have wanted.' I found out this week that my brother told my sister Ronda, "That's exactly what I want." I desparately wanted to stamp of approval from my mother. When I talked to her later that night I finally got the nerve to ask her what she thought. She said "It was great! I would have only changed one thing." I held my breath and waited for the list of things that I did wrong. She said "There was one picture, of your dad in a highchair when he was a baby that I wanted in there, but I couldn't find it." SCORE! Not my fault!
Monday, Feb 11th around 5:45 I started an uncomfortable wakefulness that would not leave me. At 6, My Randon came and crawled into my bed. He is a lone sleeper and this is a rarity. The phone began to ring and I knew the news was bad. My mother told me that my father had passed away. While he had been sick, it wasn't totally expected. It wasn't entirely unexpected either. My sister, Ronda, had visited him on Thursday and he talked he ear off and was doing well. My mom and brother visited on Sunday and he stayed 'asleep' (unresponsive) during the entire visit. Sunday morning before their visit, he wasn't feeling great and told his favorite nurse "I'm done." Shortly thereafter he went unresponsive until he past at 6 am on Monday. My sister, Renda, was called within minutes of his death, and the chain of calls went quickly thereafter. My sister Renda and I went to Enid to be with our family.
My brother and mother were both very visable affected. No one wanted to decide anything. Even my bossy big sister just kept saying "I don't know, what do you think?" Being shoved into the uncomfortable position of desicion makers, Renda and I both went into a cloud of 'get it done.' This mode seemed to stay with us all week. I don't recall either of us breaking down, or crying more than a few tears. There were many times that I felt judged by others because I wasn't a mere puddle of grief. At times, I felt like saying "Don't belittle my pain because I'm not bawling, it's still here and it's still real!" My father's sense of humor was given to my brother and I. During the mess of decisions, I inadvertantly became the 'slightly inappropriate' humorist my father would have been. My mother, who for the most part lacks a sense of humor, seemed to appreciate the lightheartedness in a such a sad sitation.
That first night, Renda, Mom and I sat and went through her massive trunks of pictures. She has talked about doing that very thing for the past year, but time didn't lend itself for that. Renda and I each had our pile of pictures to steal. Mom spotted Renda's and said "You're not taking those!" (that's the feisty red head we know and love!) and Renda replied "Now Mom, you've been good all day, don't start this now!" I was a little more descrete and laid mine in the dining room near other pictures. She spotted those and said "Are those the ones you are trying to steal?" My smile gave me away. Amazingly she came off of the ones both of us wanted! We had a wonderful end to a very sad day.
We opted to have the service at Anew Church, the network LifeChurch.tv that we opened last year. It was fitting because my father 'didn't do church' for over 40 years and when we went with us to LifeChurch.tv, he came back with us and even got to meet Pastor Craig. I wanted to do the eulogy at my dad's service, but I was terrified. I have never spoke in front of so many people, at least not by myself. So, I wrote it, but declined to deliver it. My husband created an awesome slide show of my dad with over 200 pictures and the most fitting songs ever. Having never planned a memorial service, I was nervous about it running smoothly. When my best friend and her husband arrived at the church and sat on the back row, I joined them. I actually 'hid' there for a time. So many questions and decisions had been directed at me, I just wanted to escape them for a time. It wasn't a long time before I was spotted and called on again.
The service ran perfectly. Several people told me it was wonderful and many said it was 'just what your dad would have wanted.' I found out this week that my brother told my sister Ronda, "That's exactly what I want." I desparately wanted to stamp of approval from my mother. When I talked to her later that night I finally got the nerve to ask her what she thought. She said "It was great! I would have only changed one thing." I held my breath and waited for the list of things that I did wrong. She said "There was one picture, of your dad in a highchair when he was a baby that I wanted in there, but I couldn't find it." SCORE! Not my fault!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Cry Baby, Cry Baby
I wrote this about my number two...but I am finding it familiar with number four... teething is tough!
Cry baby cry baby
What's a mom to do?
Have ten more I guess
And move into a shoe!
Daddy will never go for that!
Mommy would be a nut!
She's on her way there anyhow
'Cuz the baby's mouth won't shut!
Echoing through the hallway,
Up and down the stairs.
He thinks the world is falling apart
And acts like no one cares.
Mom tries and tries to rock him
And help him fall asleep.
She tries to help him shut his eyes
And not to make a peep.
Nothing seems to be working.
Mom has tried a dozen times!
Just give her some tequila
And a few fat fresh green limes!
Then all the noise around her
Will fade and become quit dim..
'Cuz when she finishes her drink,
The room begins to spin.
Then nighty night will greet her
And all will seem okay
Till the morning wakes her
And on the floor she lays.
Her head will begin throbbing
And sun will be to bright.
She'll want to crawl into bed
And then turn off the light!
Sounds like to much a pain...
So, I'll take another route.
I'll listen to this baby boy
Scream and hollar and shout!
Even though it's quite annoying
And it hurts my ears a bit,
I will try and try to help him
And hope that he will quit.
Even though he's noisy
I still do love him so
He needs me now,
I hear him, so I have to go.
Cry baby cry baby
What's a mom to do?
Have ten more I guess
And move into a shoe!
Daddy will never go for that!
Mommy would be a nut!
She's on her way there anyhow
'Cuz the baby's mouth won't shut!
Echoing through the hallway,
Up and down the stairs.
He thinks the world is falling apart
And acts like no one cares.
Mom tries and tries to rock him
And help him fall asleep.
She tries to help him shut his eyes
And not to make a peep.
Nothing seems to be working.
Mom has tried a dozen times!
Just give her some tequila
And a few fat fresh green limes!
Then all the noise around her
Will fade and become quit dim..
'Cuz when she finishes her drink,
The room begins to spin.
Then nighty night will greet her
And all will seem okay
Till the morning wakes her
And on the floor she lays.
Her head will begin throbbing
And sun will be to bright.
She'll want to crawl into bed
And then turn off the light!
Sounds like to much a pain...
So, I'll take another route.
I'll listen to this baby boy
Scream and hollar and shout!
Even though it's quite annoying
And it hurts my ears a bit,
I will try and try to help him
And hope that he will quit.
Even though he's noisy
I still do love him so
He needs me now,
I hear him, so I have to go.
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