Week Repeat

Monday the 18th, just 3 days after my brothers 36th birthday.... Again, I am awakened in the night, plagued by a strange and uncomfortable wakefulness that I cannot shake. After about an hour and a half I stop tossing and jolting and finally find the peaceful sleep I was in when I heard a knock on our bedroom window. Not sure of what I had heard, I shove my husband awake and ask "Did someone just knock on our window?" and then there it was again. Sure that something terrible had happened to my mother, I bolted across the bedroom and pulled the blinds apart. My brother in law stood there saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, you gotta let me in." Stephen headed down the hall and I grabbed my baby boy and took off after him. He let my brother in law and his daughter in. It was apparent that they had both been crying. Knowing that a hard blow was coming my brother in law choked up. "I can't!" he said and turned away. My niece, between sobs told us that "They found Danny." The unbelievableness of it was there, like a cloud, choking out reality. "What?" was all I could muster. "They said he went to sleep and didn't wake up." "Where?" "At Devon's" "Devon found a pill, she gave it to the police" "Mom went there, but it was too late." "Renda is going to Enid if you want to ride with us." Bits and pieces of information were flying around the room like ping pong balls. It seemed like they were only there for a few seconds. Before they even got out of the driveway, a flood of emotions exploded. My knees started to shake and I could feel my legs giving away. Stephen was there, catching me, lowering me with the baby in my arms, to the ground. I had not even begun to mourn my dad. I mean really mourn him. I remember thinking I would call Dawn, my best friend, and then realized that I had just called her. She came out to be with us, a strange repeat of the previous Monday. This began what was the most bizarre deja vu filled week of my life. Someone called my sister Ronda and she went to mom immediately. She walked in and mom pointed at her and screamed "IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE!" I don't know how, but Mom had managed to drive home from Devon's house.
I don't know how much time passed before Renda, Jimmy and Danny's son Landon came back to pick me up. On the drive to Enid I started to write a second obituary. I hadn't been in the car 2 minutes before the "If Onlys" started. "If only the counselor would have called 10 minutes earlier." "If only we could have gotten him help." "STOP!" I yelled at everyone. With scripture reguarding this fresh in my mind I told them "The enemy is going to try and use this against all of us. The bible says 'your days are written, before one of them began' so it doesn't matter what anyone did or didn't do or could have done. It wouldn't change the outcome of this story." I'm not sure everyone believed it, but it stopped the exchange for the time being.
Ronda called us as we were driving into Enid and asked us to meet her at my dad's apartment. Once there, seeing all of his things and his clothes, I broke down. I grabbed his jackets and pleaded with my sisters not to give Dad's things to our cousin Larry. "I don't care where they go, just don't give them to him!"
Arriving at my mother's house, we found cars lining the streets. Many of my brothers friends were gathered in the front yard. Walking into the house, there was so many people that there was no were to sit, yet an old silence floated around. I saw my mother in her corner chair and went to her. I kneeled down and with my head in her lap and cried, I cried and cried. I stayed there until my legs were numb.
Knowing we had to start working on funeral arrangements, again, my sisters and I headed to the funeral home. My mother maintained the "I don't want to deal with this now" motto, so we plugged on. Someone had the foresight to call the cemetery and halt the burial of Dad's ashes. Sitting in the office, giving data for yet another death certificate I look up and say to the guy "You know, you are a nice guy, and I like you, but I don't want to spend anymore time with you." Everyone agreed!
One week prior, on our way into the room to choose an urn, the gentleman turned around and said "Now there are caskets in here, just so you aren't freaked out." A second trip into said room didn't warrant this warning. As he unlocked the door, I turned to my sisters and say "Now, just so you know, there are caskets in here." The comical release provided by my slightly inappropriate humor were vital to the upkeep or our mental faculties during this time. It may seem out of line to someone outside of my family, but to us, it was necessary and welcomed.