Strange Decisions

After leaving he funeral home we visited the same florist to pick out an arrangement for the urn. I helped pick it out this time in hopes that it would help get the job done faster. The week before I had told them I didn't care anything about what flowers they picked. It just seems so pointless. "Save your money when I die. No need to send flowers, I don't care, I'm dead." That was kind of my resounding theme as far as "When I die I want ...blah, blah,". Ronda saw a pretty casket with roses on the sides and roses embroidered on the inside top. She said "Oh, this is beautiful! I want this when I die." "Ronda," I replied, "That's an old lady casket!" She smiled and said "Well when they put me in it, I wanna be an old lady!" To that my response was "Pick whatever is cheap for me. I don't care, I'm dead.
Unlike the week before, we had to also visit the cemetery. Mom and Cliff, her new husband had picked two together for her and dad. Now, to normal people that has to sound just completely bizarre. First, since my mom and dad were together most of my life, Cliff will probably always be her 'new' husband. He is awesome and loves her so much. Cliff's wife passed away from cancer several years ago. They have two plots together and he will be buried next to her. That leaves my mom out in the cold, so for old times sake, she and my dad decided to still be buried next to each other....they were divorced. Tell me that not just weird! Okay, so there aren't two plots next to Cliff and Shirley...but there are some over and down a bit. That's what mom picked for her and Dad. They were in the middle of digging when the funeral home called about Danny's death and asked them to halt burial. We saw were they had to fill in the hole! They offered us two together and one up and over, but my response to that was "What else do ya got?" Near the end of the 'garden' that Cliff will be buried in there were three plots together. Two were cremation plots and one full burial. Cremation plots are just small plots, typically on an end or curve where they want to use the land, but can't fit a casket. Did you know when someone is cremated, instead of remains, they have cremains? I thought that was a cool word, kinda creepy, but cool anyway. As we are looking at the plots I said, "Okay, we want my dad here on the end, the middle one for my mom and then Danny right here." The cemetery guy says "Well traditionally, the husband is in the middle and the wife is on the right, (or left, I don't remember!) and the child is on the other side." I laughed out loud. Ronda said "Well that's good, because then if mom decides not to be cremated she can have the full burial plot." So I pour out a big dose of family reality when I chime in with "First of all, we aren't a traditional family and if I know my mother, she's gonna want to be in the middle. I guarantee you she will still want to be cremated, she always has." Done deal, Dad, Mom, Danny.
Back at Mom's house we still have to get a picture for the paper and then pictures for the slide show. She was worked up when we go there and just handed us a picture that a friend had just given us of Danny. Ronda wanted to get his wedding picture off the wall but she wasn't having it. "Take this one!" We looked at, and each other and I had to say "MOM! He's loaded in this picture! His eyes are half closed!" To prevent her from throwing anything at me, we took the picture. Later someone found another one and we took it down and used it. Mom didn't even notice the switch! She just didn't want to deal with at that time.
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My sisters and I went to see my brother's on/off girlfriend, Devon. Because of Danny's drug use, he had abandoned his family in Colorado but was not divorced. He still talked to his wife and still loved her. Not everyone is a Devon fan because of the situation. Was she the best thing that ever happened to Danny, no. Did she ever give me a reason to dislike her, no. It's a difficult situation. I love and adore my sister in law Tracie, who hates Devon and it's totally understandable. It's really uncomfortable riding this fence. We get to Devon's friends house and she lets us in to see her. When we walk in, she is sitting on the couch hunched over, rocking and crying. She stands up and I hug her and we just start to cry together. I feel so much pain for her. I just lost my brother and it hurts, but knowing that she had to go through finding him dead seems like a terrible nightmare. I know she was very nervous about us coming over there. Even though she didn't say it, I knew she was afraid that we would blame her. She start to tell us the events that culminated in Danny's death. Late the night before he came to her apartment, pretty loaded, but this wasn't out of the norm, especially for the last week. She said she asked him what he had taken but he said he was tired. He always said that! He would nod off mid sentence, but always because he was 'tired.' Nothing she described seemed out of the norm, no red flags that she 'should have' done something different than what she did. Sometime in the wee hours he got up and went out the back door and started vomiting, happens sometimes when you are very stressed from losing a parent or from loading your body with poison and more poison. He dropped a pill on his way out or in, and Devon pocketed it so he wouldn't take it. Danny always refused to lie down when he was 'just tired.' My dad was similar but he explained it as not wanting to go 'sleep off' a good high, or low I guess. Danny didn't seem to have that reasoning, just something he always did. He would pass out sitting up, and Devon, Mom and some friends had realized that you just leave him sitting, just leaned back a bit. So when Danny started to 'nod,' Devon propped him up on the couch so he wouldn't fall. Around 3 or 3:30 she woke up and heard him making some ugly breathing noises but had no idea that this was the 'death rattle' that is frequently heard in these situations. I do not hold her responsible for anything and I have no animosity towards her. There was no way that she could have known what was happening. She woke around 7 and noticed a silence. She went into the living room and saw him, not breathing and with foam covering his mouth. She ran over and started to scream his name and shake him. He was cold and already had signs of lividity and rigor. Devon's 12 year old son witnessed everything. She called 911 and they arrived within 2 minutes. She started calling my mom and my mom wasn't answering. She didn't leave details on the answering machine but just kept saying "Peggy, You have to call me back, now!" Mom called her back and Devon said "Danny won't wake up, he won't wake up!" and my mom screamed "Call 911!" "I did." Devon told her, "they are already here." My mom jumped in the pickup and flew over there. When Devon saw my mom running up to the door she motioned to a police officer and he went to stop her. He said "Danny went to sleep last night and he didn't wake up." My mom turned around and bent her knees and screamed "OH F***!" When Devon described this to us, I pictured exactly the posture that my mom would have had. Devon was shaking and could hardly get through the story. She was stuttering and bawling. During this I was getting shaky and felt like I could fall down. I held on to Devon, not only to love on her, but at that moment it was also so that I had a grasp on something to keep me upright. She had given the pill she had found to the police.
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Devon was widowed several years ago. Her late husband died of a drug overdose. Just knowing that, you can imagine the terrible pain she is living and reliving. The difference is, this time, she was there and saw everything. My sisters and I loved on her and kept telling her that if she needed anything to please call one of us. Renda kept telling her, "We don't mean, just this week or next, we mean 6 months from now, or longer." Her best friend, with whom she was staying with started to cry. She said it was nothing like this when her husband died. The family treated her like garbage and overstepped her decisions and it was a horrible ordeal. After his death they wanted nothing to do with her. "She wasn't even married to Danny and you guys are being so nice to her" she said. Jesus, the love of Jesus, that's what it is. We all told he how sorry we were that she had to go through that. She started to cry and say 'I should have' and I stopped her. I turned her towards me and looked into her eyes and said "I just read this scripture for my dad's service and it's the same now. The Lord knew when we would die before we were ever born. Devon, this IS NOT YOUR FAULT! There is nothing you could have done." She hugged me and thanked us all.
Again at my mother's house, which was packed all day with family and friends, we had to go through and get pictures. It was less fun this time. Partially because with added events in the day, we didn't have as much time. Partially because it was my brother and not my dad, young and not old, and a sad repeat of the previous week. (I should note here that at 57, my dad was NOT old, but compared to 36, well you get the idea). After seeming dad's video, several friends brought us photographs which was wonderful! Danny's video was going to be longer! We discussed songs and several people told us that Danny wanted "Crossroads" played as his funeral. Ronda had several picked out for hers as well. I don't remember if Renda picked out any for herself or not. I said "I don't care, I'm dead" and my sisters both rolled their eyes! We talked with mom, who was doing much better at this time, about the plots we picked at the cemetery. Ronda starts to tell her.. "The guys said that traditionally the husband is in the middle and the wife..." and mom interjects... "BULL SHIT, I'm getting the middle!" a sideways glance at Renda and we can't contain our laughter!