Where We Are (October 28, 2011)

Many of you know our story, or parts of it, anyway. For those of you that do not know, here is a mini version. After finally overcoming 4 years of infertility, our daughter, Ila (eye-la) Claire, was born sleeping on June 2 of this year. Needless to say, we were devastated. We still are. We miss her more than words can express and there is no way to describe the pain that comes with losing a child.

Shortly after losing Ila, I became pregnant again, much to our surprise. We were thrilled and terrified at the same time. I tried not to worry but that was impossible. I was 12 weeks along when I delivered last Monday. I know at this stage it's called a miscarriage, but those of you that have experienced this know that it is labor and delivery, nonetheless.

Obviously, it was too early to tell the sex. Yet, my husband and I both knew it was another little girl. As soon as she was born, her name came to me, ”Macy Lynn”. We had never talked about that name. The Lord revealed it to me just moments after I delivered her. It wasn't a “mass of tissue” or just “blood and clots”. She was a very tiny baby that fit in my hand. I never thought I would hold a baby smaller than my little Ila girl.

Shortly after Macy was born, I went to look through Ila's clothes to find something pretty I could cut up and wrap her in. I found a beautiful purple dress and proceeded to make a wrapping for her. I had a small treasure chest in my living room that I have had for years. The chest was very fitting for us. I made a little bed out of more of the fabric and laid her sweet little body in the chest. Our sweet Macy will be laid to rest privately.

A few days after Ila died my husband talked about the bible verse (Matthew 6:19-20), which reads, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...but store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven". We both feel these babies are the greatest treasures we could possibly store up for ourselves. My sister in law and niece gave me a cross with Ila's name

and birth date on it that reads "When someone you love becomes a memory, their memory becomes a treasure." They are getting us a matching one for Macy Lynn. The one I have is so precious to me, and I know the new one will be too.

Any joy that was finally returning has been stripped away. There was no period of shock like there was after Ila was born. No buffer before reality really set in. The pain hit instantly. Tears come quickly and often. This is

like salt in my wound

.