Why Remembering Her Birthday is More Important Than His (December 2, 2011)

Heartache is the worst kind of pain, for there is no repair but time. As time goes on, things do get better. But there are some days that take you right back to that day or moment when things changed forever. On these days, the pain is as real and as fresh as it was at the start. That's when you go back from taking things day by day to taking things breath by breath, moment by moment. We never forget. But we are afraid that you will.

From the perspective of a Baby Loss Momma, we know you can't remember our babies like we can. We held them, wept over them and tried to memorize every single feature during those brief and precious moments that we shared. You never met them, your kids didn't play with them and you never watched them while we ran to the store for milk. But to think that you could forget them, well, that shatters what's left of our hearts.

I wonder if anyone remembers the date that she was born besides me. It was six months ago today. Six months that have taken a lifetime to get through. Six months that were the blink of an eye.

Most of my friends don't know my boys' birthdays. And honestly, I don't know many of their kids birthdays either. It's never bothered me, and still doesn't. I don't expect you to memorize them, or even put them in your calendar. I figure I'll get an invitation to the ones that want us to celebrate with them, just as we would do the same. Frankly, it's just not a bid deal. When your children aren't here, it's different. It somehow matters more.

For us, it isn't just her birthday. It's her only day. The only day that we ever got to be with her, even though she wasn't there with us. Dates are important. If you know anyone that has lost a child, whether at birth or later, make it important to you too. Write it down, memorize it, or put it in your phone. Let them know on those days that you are remembering their child. I now know several ladies who have lost their little ones. I remember those babies, I remember their names, I try to remember their dates. It's important to their parents, so it's important to me.