When A Child Dies...

A friend of mine shared this with me. I think it's great. I thought I would share it with you all...and I kinda added my thoughts at the end...

1. Never tell us that we are doing *it* wrong. *It* is unbearable and we are doing the best there is to do. Honest. If you would do things differently that is fine. But don't tell us. This is not your job or burden to bear and we DO have to do it and you don't.

2. Don't tell us that they are in a better place. We know heaven is nicer than here, but we like them here just fine and really...it feels like you are saying we are not good enough for our child to stay.

3. Please don't tell us ways to save them. We already want to and can't or couldn't.

4. Don't tell us that God *must* heal our child if we just have enough faith. Perfect healing is in heaven for us all and I have yet to meet a Christian who never died. If faith was all it takes to heal everyone NO one would ever die.

5. It hurts us to be told that losing a child to death by sickness or accident is the same a when your 94 year old grandmother died in her sleep 2 years ago. It isn't the same thing at all. We know you are in pain, but it is not the same thing. At all.

6. Please don't expect us to be back to normal in a month and it is a fallacy to say grieving takes a year. We will never be the same and it will take a long time to find our way again. We will never be *over it*.

7. Please help us. Life is so overwhelming that after the death it is hard to even think of HOW to cook a meal, let alone do it. And if our child has not died yet, please offer to help in any and every way possible. If you are far away, money helps us to buy help.

8. Let us cry. We are so sorry that it makes you uncomfortable, but it is a fact of our life now. Tears will come and it doesn't mean that it is bad to talk about our children, only that we are deeply grieving them.

9. It means a lot to us when you remember our child. Expecially later when it feels like everyone has forgotten.

10. Having another baby is not the answer to losing the one that died.

11. It is NOT easier, or harder, that we have other children. No one can replace the one that died.

12. Please don't watch us as though we are about to throw ourselves into the open grave. None of us likes to be thought of as a freak show. And please think of us as something other than the-lady-whose-kid-died. That is a hard definition to live with. But also please be gentle with us for quite a while. We can't handle rough treatment.

13. We may gain weight, or lose weight, or sleep more, or not sleep at all. We may be sad for a long time. It does not mean something wrong with us. It just means we are profoundly changed.

14. We will never be the same as you once knew us. Please don't expect us to be.

15. Remember that our families are hurting too.

16. We can't help you through our child's death. We recognize that it is hard for many people but please don't lean on us as we go through this. We can't hold you up. We have other people that we have to help already. Come and help hold us up instead please. Pretty please?


Warmly,

Corinne Kligmann

My little notes...

2. ==== A friend of mine that lost her two year old son years ago explained this to me and it is soooo true. My selfish stinginess wants my Ila right here, where I can hold her and love her! There's time for heaven later!



5. ==== Comparison of any kind just really isn't fair. Losing your 94 year old grandmother isn't the same as this, and neither is a miscarriage. I struggle with this a lot. I lost my baby, my daughter, but it somehow seems unfair to those that lost an 15 day old, an 11 month old, a 2 year old or a 17 year old, to call what I am going through 'losing a child.' I would never compare my loss to theirs. It still strikes me that I hurt sooooo much over a person that I only knew as a little bump that kicked me. That's part of what hurts so tremendously. I have no memories with her. Not once did I get to see her wiggle, hear her cry or watch her breathe. That hurts more than I can tell you. What I wouldn't give for just one brief moment to have a memory of her with me!

6. ==== This is something else I struggle with. I know people don't know how to act or what to say, but I promise you this, acting as if everything is the same, is not the answer. I got the first 'real' look at what my life could look like for a while when talking to another mom who went through this very thing, not something similar, but this very thing. She said something that hit me “You might just cry a lot this year. And maybe next year.” That's something I've been wanting to know. When will I not cry every day? When will I be able to cook dinner for my family? I want some text book answer so I know when things might be better, but there are no easy answers. Honestly, for me, it's been much harder this week than it has been for the few weeks before that. Perhaps I was just plugging through, trying to make it through the first month. I dunno. I just know that this week, I'm a mess. I'm not okay, I'm sad. Ask me how I'm doing and I will probably lie. I will say I'm fine or I'm okay. I'm lying. I'm so far from okay or fine. If you ask me in person, I will probably just cry and shrug my shoulders.

7. ==== I always enjoyed the meals after having a baby. You are busy nursing and learning all about each other. Grieving is so much harder. You don't remember to eat or to drink or even to sleep. Everything is a fog. I can't tell you how many days we didn't even eat until someone showed up with food for dinner. I'm still not eating. I don't usually eat until dinner unless I meet Stephen for lunch. It's not because I'm not hungry or I don't want to eat, I simply don't remember to do it. I still can't prepare a meal for my family. My kids are living on cereal and sandwiches. Seriously, if we have a hot meal, it's eaten out or it's leftovers that my mother in law sent home with us. I don't know why I can't function on basic levels like preparing a simple dinner, I just can't. I realize it sounds dumb. It sounds dumb to me. Every task is just so overwhelming!

8. ==== I feel like I am a burden to my friends and family. Who wants to sit and listen to someone cry. And cry. And cry. I hate it. I hate crying and I'm not quick to drop tears. If I cry in front of you, feel blessed that I felt comfortable enough and safe enough with you to let them go.

9. ==== I don't feel like anyone has forgotten....yet. But I do have people that are avoiding me and that hurts. Others are simply acting like nothing ever happened. If I run into you at the store, you don't have to say anything, but maybe a sad smile, or a rub my shoulder or something that just says “I know what happened.” To act like the entire thing never occurred not only pisses me off but it's disrespectful to my entire family, or at least I think it is. It also causes me to panic and think... “Oh crap, they don't know. I have to tell them before they ask me when I had the baby because I don't want them to feel bad.” Then I tell them only to hear “Oh ya, I heard.” I ran into a sweet daughter of a friend the other day. The first thing she said was “I heard about your baby and I'm so sorry.” It was such a HUGE blessing that she recognized my baby instead of ignoring her. It really is a big deal.

10. ==== No it isn't. I do want more babies, I wanted them before I lost Ila and I still do. I would like to get pregnant soon, but that isn't because I want to replace my baby girl, and it is important to me that people understand that. I want to get pregnant soon because I have fear about not getting pregnant again and for me, the sooner the better. It took so long last time that I'm fearful it will take a long time again. And I'm just impatient. Oh, and I'm not getting any younger. I don't like the phrase “Will you try again.” That makes it sound like we tried and we failed. I don't mind being asked if we will have more babies or if we plan on getting pregnant again.

11. ====I tend to disagree with this one just a little bit. For sure, no one is replaceable my anyone else, but I know that for me, having other people that depend on me, like my husband and children, is what makes me get up in the morning. If my mom didn't have 3 daughters and a shizbang of grandkids, I'm certain she would have drank special Kool-Aid after my brother died and ended it all. One gal that I met that lost her only child feels like her entire motherhood was stolen from her. So, to some, it does make it a little easier, or a least a little more important, that will stick around and get through this.

12. ==== I'm afraid to go places. Really. I'm afraid to be around others that know me. Especially groups. I don't know why it frightens me, but unless it's a small group of close friends, I almost want to vomit walking into a situation like that right now.

13. ==== I know I'm hard on myself and I guess I expect others to be hard on me too. I do have a great support system and fabulous friends that assure me I can be a mess. Losing weight surprised me. I'm a fat chick, tend to eat my feeling so when the scale was tipped the other day, I was really surprised! I wouldn't recommend grief as a weight loss method, but hey, I guess I'll take it! Sleep doesn't come easy for me and in the morning I'm soooo tired from not sleeping for most of the night.

B.