Why I'm afraid of the dark....ok, I'm not really afraid of the dark, but nighttime now brings a new set of thoughts and feelings. When the day settles down and my distractions are few, my mind has time to roll over things that hurt. There is time to go over what happened, remember Ila's sweet face, and miss her so intensely that I usually cry.
If Stephen falls asleep to long before me, I almost panic. I hate being alone. I can do nothing but pray and rebuke the devourer. If I don't, I get attacked. It sucks. I toss and turn for ages. Sometimes, if sleep won't come, I get up. But still, I don't want to be alone. Its at that time when some lucky soul that happens to be online gets all of my emotional vomit in their lap. It's when I really need a listening ear and encouraging words.
In addition to the heartache, I also have a headache. I've had one everyday since i gave birth. At first I figured it was from dehydration and crying, and it probably was, but since now I don't spend the entire day crying and I do remember to drink water, my guess is that it's hormonal. I wake up each day with a light headache but it usually goes away, or it's minimal enough that I don't notice it while going about my day. Evening hits and I start to feel it. It gets gradually worse all evening and by bedtime it's terrible. The longer I stay up, the worse it gets, and it's hard to go to sleep because I have a headache and I'm thinking about my baby girl.
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