It's Raw. It's Real.

Lots of people are treating me as if they expect me to be back to normal but I'm a freaking WRECK! I want to know when I will feel better, when I won't hurt sooo much. I want these nice, easy answers..."In 2 more weeks you will be able to cook dinner for your family." "3 weeks and 4 days from now, you will no longer cry every day." “ In just 2 weeks, 6 days you will be able to walk into a group of people and not feel like throwing up.” I'm not functioning normally (and I think that's okay) but what am I supposed to do?? I don't wanna go on play dates, I don't wanna have sleepovers and I don't wanna clean my house. I killed my garden and my house is a wreck. We've eaten out every night since meals stopped coming because the thought of planning and then cooking dinner might as well be the same as building a new space rocket, that's how overwhelming it is.

I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I feel like everyone thinks I should be doing better and should be able to handle things but I can't! A few days ago, while I was at Walmart with Stephen to get some milk, he asked if I wanted him to cook out chicken for dinner and what I wanted to make to go with it. I seriously thought I would have a panic attack right then. I couldn't even think of two side items. I started to cry right there on the baking aisle. He was quick to comfort me and come up with another solution. Dinner seems to be my biggest obstacle. I know the house is a wreck, but it will still be a wreck when I am able to focus enough to clean it, it can wait. But I do have to feed my family every day. Thank God for dollar menus!

This last week has been way way way harder than the last few weeks. I don't know why. I didn't expect to hit a harder patch. I think that made it even worse, since I just thought I would continue to get a little better. I'm not. I feel like I'm going backwards. It's probably 'normal' but it sucks. I hate crying. It's always been something I consider pointless since it doesn't make me feel any better and leaves me with a headache. Even though I have shed tears every day, I haven't really CRIED much. Like sobbing. That's what I've been doing this last week. Feeling pain and SOBBING. I guess I need to do it. Still sucks, still hate it.

People avoiding me makes me feel like a freak. My daughter is never going to undie and this event is never going to unhappen. I'm not sure how long they plan on avoiding me. I realize that people don't know what to say, and many fear saying the wrong things. If you have a lack of words, just say 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you'. I'd rather have you say something, unless you plan on saying something really dumb, like “Oh, my dog died last week so I know EXACTLY how you feel.” Your words are better to be said, not left unspoken. I have a friend that started posting a little heart on my FB page every few days. That spoke volumes to me. No words needed. Nothing you can say is going to take my pain away, but your words do have the power of life and CAN make me smile, make me feel loved and make me realize that you haven't forgotten about my Ila Claire.