It's Mean & Ugly

I'm pissy today. Pissy about nothing, pissy about everything. Nothing set me off, nothing happened to start my bad mood today. It's just here. I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm just ugh. Ugh.

Laying down wishing for a nap this afternoon, I looked out the window, only for my view to be blocked by a big shelf decoration that says FAITH. Well it just made me pissy to. Faith in what? "SHOCK, GASP! Did she just say that?" Yep, she did. Faith that my kids will be safe? No. Faith that I will always have a home? No. Faith that we will all have our health? No. Faith that everything will be alright? Absolutely not.

Sure doesn't seem like faith guarantees any of those things. "But Bobbi, the bible says 'ask and it shall be given to you'"! And I have to respond "Well, go ahead. Ask, and it might not." Even Jesus was denied a request. It comes down to God's will. And often times, His will, isn't what we want. Often times, it just plain sucks. Yep, I just said that God's will sucks. Did you gasp again? Was it because I put into words something that everyone has thought and not expressed, or because your life is so perfect and God's will for you has always been a smooth and wonderful road without bumps, roadblocks or discomforts?

The faith I have, faith in God, is all I have. But it doesn't make life easy. It doesn't make me feel safe from the darkness of this world. In fact, it puts a big fat target right on your back. One that is unmistakable to the enemy. He makes life hard. He says mean things. “Well, Bobbi, you are just letting Satan steal your joy.” Whatever. I have no joy to be stolen at this very moment. I can't get back what is causing my pain, therefore, the joy that I”m missing at this moment isn't because it's currently being stolen. Go ahead, next time something terrible happens in your life, just rebuke, just pray, just have faith and I'm sure the whole situation will look like as beautiful as a field of wildflowers in no time.

I'm sure I sound bitter, angry, and mean. Maybe I'm all of those. So what. It's how I feel. You think less of me because of it? Does it make it any different that I said it out loud when God already knows what's being said in my heart? I know I'm being molded, reshaped, worked over through this and hopefully I come out better for it on the other side. So what. Still sucks. I still love my Jesus. He knows I'm not down with this, not happy about this at all. but I know He can take it and I know He loves me too.