Messy

Today I just want to scream. I want to kick my feet, punch holes in walls and whack softballs so far into the east field that they can't be seen (and yes, I can do that ). I'm sad and mad and anxious and mean and impatient and ugly.

I know some are thinking “Wow, Bobbi is really having a hard time with this.” Well, no shit moron! My kid is DEAD, of course I'm having a hard time with this. Give me a break already, it's only been two months. I get out of bed every morning and I'm not thinking about driving off bridges so I think I'm okay. I'm allowed to be a mess. And I am one!

I think that some of you are shocked at the way I feel or how 'bad' I'm doing, but the truth is, how are you suppose to know how bad or good I'm 'suppose' to be doing or how I should be feeling? You don't. You can't. Unless your kid is dead. And then of course, you know I'm doing just as you would expect me too. I'm sure that some of the things you hear (or see) me say are shocking, or at least a bit surprising. I realize that most people don't throw all of the junk out for everyone to see like I have been. Some people are naturally quiet (I'm not), some naturally keep to themselves (I don't) and some just don't want everyone to see them vulnerable.

Because of this, this normal human behavior, the people that haven't dealt with this directly don't really have an accurate view of what this looks like. It sucks, that's what it looks like. Every day is different and I don't always know what to expect. Some days are fine, other days are reallllly hard. Some days just plain suck. Sometimes I'm on the edge of tears, and other times I am genuinely happy. None of this makes me crazy, none of this is me not dealing well with this. This is what it looks like. This is my life right now.

It's been suggested by a few that I see a counselor. I can take that two ways...one...people think I'm crazy....two...people love me and want to see me through this. I'm gonna go with the 'I'm loved' version. And I do feel loved, but I don't want to see a counselor. I don't want to cry to strangers. I'd rather talk to my friends and relate to the few I know that have lost a child. If you are uncomfortable with this, with me right now, then simply don't reply when I call/text/chat/email if you are afraid I might emotionally vomit in your lap. I don't think that will be a real problem, because I have figured out a majority of who is and who isn't comfortable around me or talking to me about specific things. That doesn't mean I don't love the rest of you, it just means I am leaning on those I know I can lean on right now.

Talking with other gals that are a part of this stupid club, I know I'm okay. Well, not okay...in the words of my dear friend Lydia “I'll never be okay with this”. But okay as in 'within normal parameters' for this situation. It sucks folks, it just plain sucks. It's ugly. It's where I am today.

I realize that I'm hard to please right now, and that might be very frustrating to my friends and family. Some days I want to get out of the house, other days I want to stay home. Sometimes I want to talk, other times I don't answer the phone. One day I will be mad about something thoughtless someone said, the next day I will have grace for their ignorance. Some days I want to be surrounded by people, and other days I want to be alone. Some days I cry out to my God, other days I don't. This is what it looks like. This is my life right now.