Grateful

Remember when I mentioned some days are good and some days are bad? Well, sometimes a bad day can start simply by me hearing or seeing something that just sets me off. I may not even realize what happened until the next day and sometimes not at all. Not to say that I can blame all my issues on everyone else. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. But you may have unintentionally sent me into a spiral of self pity, anger or sadness.

All I want is for everyone to walk on egg shells around me, is that so much to ask? LOL. No,really, in all seriousness, I do need a certain level of sensitivity right now. I have a broken heart, and it's tender, very tender. Just as you would handle someone with a broken bone with care, I need gentleness. This will take a little forethought, as most of the 'harsh handling' comes from things easily avoided.

There are some things I just can't handle right now. Complaining is a big one. Especially if you are pregnant. If that seems offensive, stop for a minute and think about it. Surely, you can understand why I'm just short of intolerant of this. It hurts. It sounds ungrateful. And it's not fair.

To hear someone complain about something so precious, something I have desired for years, and continue to desire, is incredibly painful. It's like a slap in the face. I'm not saying it's right, or that you aren't physically miserable, I'm just telling you how it feels to me.

When I was pregnant with my oldest son, we lived in Florida. I was sick, and I complained about it constantly. I had no idea that this 'all day morning sickness' would be so bad. A friend of ours, Matthew Tippins put me right in my place. He told me, very sweetly I might add, that I was complaining about something that many women would cut off their own right arm to have. He reminded me that I should be more grateful. He was right.

That short conversation made all the difference to me, and still does. I'm not saying I don't ever complain, or didn't ever gripe about being pregnant ever again. But I can tell you, it cut down my complaining a lot...and with nearly every complaint uttered since then, I am reminded that I have so much to be grateful for. Even now, as I sit here and write this, I am reminded that I DOhave much to be grateful for. And I am grateful. But I still miss my daughter, and I still have bad days, and still need gentleness.

It's amazing how something so brief, from over 13 years ago, can have such a profound effect on me today. God used Matt that day to teach me something. Matt will probably roll his eyes at that thought, as he isn't a believer. He probably just wanted me to quit bitching. But that doesn't matter, believe it or not, he still 'got used'.

Really, we can take what Matt said and apply it to everything. Everyone has something thatsomeone else wants. And everyone has something that can cause them pain when someone else is complaining out it. Some people gripe about their mother in-law while the gal nearby might miss her mother in-law because she died of cancer years before. This lady might complain about her husband working too late when that lady is praying for their husband to find a job, any job, so that they might not lose their house. One might spout off about their car not getting good gas mileage while another is just wishing they had a car that ran. I realize that these are real complaints, real life things that are bothering people. But before you let it pass your lips, think about those around you. Who might you hurt just by tossing out a little complaint? Does it sound ungrateful? And quit complaining about the heat, everyone knows it's hot!

This is for me right now too. What have I said that might have stabbed someone else right in the heart? I'm so torn up about losing my daughter, who I only got to hold for 6 ½ hours, perhaps I have hurt someone that didn't get to hold their daughter at all. And I'm so worried about not being able to conceive again that I may seem ungrateful for the children that I have been able to bare, which could be hurtful to the woman who has never been able to have any children. It's certainly is not my intent, and it's not yours to hurt myself or others, but it still happens, it still hurts.

Losing Ila hurts in so many ways, more than I can describe to you. It has also taught me many things, as well. Some things I never wanted to learn. And some things about gratefulness and gratitude. Some days I am grateful for everything, and some days I don't feel nice enough to be grateful about anything. Yet, every prayer of mine begins with 'thank you'.