Anxiety

Anxiety. That's the word of the week around here. Well, around me anyway. Yesterday marked 2 months since I held my girl. Two months, and the pain is still fresh. I would say this week was better than a couple weeks ago when I spent the days sobbing. But the better I mean is really better for others. I still hurt. I still hurt a lot. I'm still crying a lot. Some days quite a bit and some days a few tears. Tears aren't exactly how I would measure my level of well being. Right now I am battling my anxiety.

Sometimes I still don't want Stephen to go to sleep before me. Some days I still meet him for lunch just to be around him. I worry that the guys he works with will get tired of having me butt in, but I just need him right now. Sometimes I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, then a tightness in my chest and my head feels like it might actually just pop right off. Anxiety. I know. Just toss back a Xanax and everything will be fine right? Or postponed..until the band-aid wears off. It comes and goes, it's not unbearable, but uncomfortable.

I never know what might send me into a fit of tears or a frustrated mess. My kids help. A lot. My oldest always has such perfect things to say when I need to hear them most. Well, they all do, but he's all grownupish. Sometimes they have no idea they just sent my maddness out the window.

The clutter in my house is getting to me in a big way. We always have clutter...I'm a terrible house keeper. But lately, not having just one room that is in order, has been driving me crazy....like get up and clean at 1am crazy. I have neglected everything for 2 months and now it's time to tackle it. I might be cleaning off the counter, find a card that someone sent and start crying. I might clean of a desk and NOT find a paper I need and get super angry. I just feel mean. I haven't been meeting friends for things because I just sit there and look like Polly Pissy Pants. I'm not good at putting on a happy face for the sake of everyone else.

Yesterday Daniel crawled up in my lap and started talking to me about Ila. He had a lot of questions and wanted to see her pictures again. He got a little sad and said “I almost makin tears Mom.” And when I did make tears he said “It's okay to cry, I think I gonna cry a little too”. Danny, who wanted a boy baby last time, told me he is ready for a baby sister and it's gonna take a long time again. For the little guys, our pregnancy with Ila was an eternity!! It's so hard to watch them hurt. I can't fix it for them. They lost someone too. And it doesn't matter that they never played with her or heard her cry. They loved her already and were her valiant protectors!