Harder

When my mom called to tell me that my dad had passed away, I wasn't shocked. I was sad, but not surprised. I don't even remember a lot of tears right away. It was more like, okay, lets get through the funeral. When I was told that my brother was gone, I was in shock. It was like I was standing outside myself listening to the conversation happening. I nearly hit the floor. Literally, my husband had to catch me and lower me to the ground. It was like compounding grief, we hadn't even gotten to the meat of mourning my dad and here we were at it again.

The next week was just stupid. The crappiest Deja Vu ever. Picking out plots, looking at urns, writing the obituary. We were all such a mess. I never imagined that I would go through anything harder than that. Boy was I wrong.

As much as we hate to admit it, we expect that our parents will die before us. And siblings, well, somebody has to go first. But no one ever imagines that one of their kids could go before them. Parents aren't suppose to outlive their children. Period. Yet, the worlds first set of parents did that very thing, just as myself and many others are doing it now. And it REALLY sucks. It's just not fair.

When I first realized how much more I hurt over losing Ila, than I did my dad or brother, I was puzzled and felt a little guilty. How could I hurt so much more over losing someone that I never met outside my body than these two amazing men I loved my entire life? A parent's love for our children is so immense, so limitless, that nothing can compare to it.

The pain that comes with this, is at times, almost unbearable. Right up to the edge of just wanting to die! My heart is broken and nothing anyone can say or do will fix it. I know it will never be totally mended and I will never be the same. I know it will get easier and life will go on. But while I'm here, on this side of that promise, it hurts. Really bad. I realize now that's it's not how long you love someone, it's how deeply you love them.