The Best Part!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe that I left this out! I wasn't that I really left it out, I just changed gears before getting to this. During my dad's service I didn't sit up front with my family. I used the excuse that Stephen needed my help in the back with the computer and sound stuff. Truly, I didn't want to sit up there on the front row on display for everyone. My mom was taken care of, my brother was at her side and her husband on the other. I also had the worlds best best friend and her husband come back and stay with us in the bar area (the building was previously a night club). I needed the comfort of their presence and someone else needed some seats. The music was wonderful and I worshipped! With my arms lifted high and my spirit comforted I prayed. "If just one person comes to you through this, it's all worth it." I prayed that so many times during that first week. Then my brother died. One of the first thoughts I had after 'coming to' was "That's not what I meant! That's not what I meant!" But His ways are higher than my ways. My brother's memorial service was long and beautiful. I didn't spend this service the same. I did 'hide' in the bar area with my husband and best friend. But instead of spending it with my arms outstretched, I spent it comforting my little warrior Randon. We had a special bond with his Uncle Dan and his Papa and he had been having a hard time with all this loss. I did continue the prayer for him to reach just one person. One person, and it would all be worth it!We had the services at the same church were we had my father's. Anew Church in Enid is a network church of LifeChurch.tv ( http://www.anewchurchenid.com/). We opened that church last summer. My brother laid the carpet. Anyway, during his service, the pastor of the church, Marshal Billingslea played a song, announced the eulogy and then did a short mini-sermon after the eulogy and video were over. He gave an alter call and 12, yes twelve, count them, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 people came to Christ! I was with my son at this time and didn't find this out for a couple of hours. I was so excited I could burst. My sister and her husband were also thrilled! Stephen and Jimmy talked about how some people wouldn't have liked the long message at the end but how it was all worth if if just one came to know Him, but there were 12! This wondrous news brought me tears of joy! How the death of someone I love so much could bring others into eternity with Him is amazing. I'm not saying the sting of death is gone, but it sure makes it easier to take it.

Thank you Jesus, It was all worth it.

Snood

Have you ever played Snood? It is such a fun little shareware game! My husband told me about it, and then had to download it for me. It is a mindless clicking game that will steal away several minutes of your computer time, but it's fun! Good thing about the shareware version - There are only a few levels for each difficulty setting. Otherwise, who knows when I would walk away from the pc! http://www.womgames.com/index.php Don't say I didn't warn you!

I went to the moon today...

What an adventure we had today! Danny disappeared for a moment, and I found him perched on the swing in the front yard. He requested that I join him, so I did. Suddenly, we were off to outer space! Swinging, I mean flying high above the earth until we landed on the moon. DanDan gave me a space helmet and space suit and we left the safety of our ship to explore the moon. Almost instantly we found a moon rover! It was bright red, with 4 wheels and 4X4 on the side. Sadly, there was room for only one. Danny jumped into the driver seat and we were off! The pic to the left is of Aven in the moon rover. We found a black and white Moon Cat (below and right) and we chased it in our mommy powered moon rover all over the moon! We also ran into a Moon Randon and it chased us! It was discovered none to soon that the Moon Randon was a friendly creature and did not wish to harm or capture us. About that time the mommy powered moon rover ran out of gas, and we all three headed back to our swing, I mean ship. The Moon Randon came back with us on our rocket ship. After a safe landing back on earth we took off the cumbersome spacesuits and relaxed. We must now head to bed, as we are jet lagged!

Frequent Oblivion

I am frequently oblivious to the work God is going in my life. My phone number for example. The number we have had for the past 2 + years has been a huge part of our life. It once belonged to Mercy Ministries, an outreach that is run by the church we attend. At one time, we would receive up to 40 phone calls a day asking for various forms of assistance. Some we could help, some we could not. This phone number, which was not coincidence, but providence, opened up new areas of ministry for us and took us places we never dreamed we would go. Nor would we have chosen to go.

For many months now, my sweet and wonderful husband has wanted to change our number. Not because of the continued calls, but to go to a new type of service that offered significant savings. This new service (Skype) does not yet have the capability to allow you to take your number with you when you leave your current provider. I was resistant. What about the calls? What about the people!? My husband told me it was the Lord that brought us the people, and even without the phone number, he could continue to do so.

It is just amazing how completely oblivious I can be sometimes. Right about the time of our family losses (see below), the calls just dropped off. There were almost none. Not even one per day. During this season, God removed what took up a lot of our time and emotional energy. I didn't even notice it at first. Granted, I was dealing with other things and my mind was not wondering why the phone wasn't ringing. It wasn't until after the 'dust had settled' so to speak, that I realized that we were no longer receiving calls. It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized what the Lord had done for us. It was a 'duh' moment. I sometimes take for granted the things that He orchestrates. I sometimes fail to give Him the glory for the things that happen to me. It is simply looked at as everyday life rather than the awesomeness that it really is. He is never absent but sometimes it is required of me to 'be still and know that He is God" and that he is right there, laying out everything before me, just as it should be. Thank you, Sweet Jesus, for all of your awesomeness in my life.

A Knights Tale

I found myself in a battle of epic proportions. Two mighty warriors, boasting three swords between them, came after me. I did my best to fend them off. The smaller one attacked first. I knocked one of his weapons free from his grasp effortlessly. He clung tight to the other, for he would not be defeated so easily. He refused to go down with out a fight. And then I was wounded in the back by the second assailant. While my weapon wielding shoulder ached in pain, I flung around to face him. Ah ha! The sword of the smaller one lay just ahead of me. I now had two swords, surely I would come forth a winner. With a warrior behind me and another in front, I began to fight. I swung my swords against one, then turned to face in other. This went on for what seemed like hours, though I know it was only moments. The second one retreated! Perhaps victory is mine! I shall give chase and conquer him in his village! As I lung ever so gracefully forward he straightens. "Mom, Pirates don't skip!" he says. Oh. I thought we were knights.

Tagged Game

Here are the rules:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player tags 5 people and posts their name, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

What was I doing 10 years ago: Ten years ago I had been married one whole day, so you can guess what I was doing! Oh, it was a Tuesday so I went to work! You and your dirty mind!

Five Snacks I enjoy: In a perfect, non weight-gaining world:
1. Starbucks-grande-mocha-frappicino with lots of whip cream.
2. Starbucks Cranberry Orange Muffin (must be accompanied by number 1, while number 1 is okay on it's own or with a treat!
3. I Hate Chocolate (a delicious brownie treat I make)
4. M&M's and a glass of water
5. McDonalds sausage, egg and cheese biscuit with a md Dr. Pepper.

In the real world:
1. My husband is awesome and amazing.
2. I have the best, best friend ever.
3. I'm an internet junkie who is techo-spoiled along with techo-challenged.
4. I love movies, some shoot-em-up games and balloons.
5. I don’t like getting up early.

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Secretly meet other people’s financial needs.
2. Be super thrilled that my husband could be home with us everyday...okay 6 days a week!
3. Travel in a huge travel trailor around the country and reach people for Jesus.
4. Open more network churches
5. Invest for our future generations to have wealth too.
Oh, and get a maid for sure, that one doesn't even count 'cuz it's a given!

Five jobs that I have had:
1. Mom
2. Wife
3. Cook
4. Teacher
5. Maid
Oh wait, those are five jobs that I currently have...here are five I had:
1. Childcare provider
2. Vacation Sales Agent for Delta Vacations, AAA Vacations and Marriott Vacations
3. Shift manager for Popcorn Poppers Express
4. Movie theater (where I met my husband) concession, door and film.
5. Snow Cone Stand (hey I was like 14!)

Three of my habits:
1. Clicking "update" as I walk by the computer to check email.
2. Collecting crap. I'm always bringing more junk home that we don't need.
3. Clamping my jaw. Even after my surgeries, it's sometimes really painful.

Five place I have lived:1
. Enid, Oklahoma (18 years)
2. Bartlesville, Oklahoma (1 year)
3. Ft. Lauderdale, Florida (1 year)
4. Enid, Oklahoma ( 1 year)
5. Edmond, Oklahoma (8 years)

What do you want others to get from your blog: A giggle or two. Selfishly, I think it's mostly for me. I love to write and it's kinda nice having a place to put it rather than just writing for no reason. I guess it would be nice to know if anyone is reading it or laughing at it. Of course right now, it's not been too funny.

Who are you going to tag:
I don't know...

Grounded?

My crazy mother is at it again. Last week she called me at about 10:30 at night. My husband answered. He walked in with the phone and said "She's right here." With a questioning look he handed me the phone and mouthed "She sounds mad!" He waited for my reaction. This is how that conversation went...
"Bobbi Lynn?! Where are you?!" Mom says very sternly.
"I'm at home." I reply.
"NO YOUR NOT!! I"M HERE AND YOU ARE NOT HERE !" she hollars at me. "You were suppose to be home at 9:30!"
"Okay" was all I could whisper.
"When are you going to be here?"
"I'll be home in a little bit."
"You'd better be!"
"Okay."
"You're grounded!"
"Okay."
"I'm going to bed, you wake me up when you get here so I know you're home."
"Okay."
"I mean it Bobbi Lynn! You better get your ass home!"
"Okay, I'll be there soon."
"Bye."
"Bye."
I looked at my husband and said "Well, I'm grounded." and he laughed. I told him the half of the conversation that he didn't hear. Then he expressed his concern. It's one thing to go through all this with Dad and Danny with their recent passing but we just leaped back about 13 years, give or take a couple. I've been married for ten years yesterday! So now that we've again established the instability of my mother's fragile psyche, let me tell you about another of our interesting conversations....
Late evening, night before last, I'm snuggled up on the couch with my husband for some grown up tv time, a commodity at our house. My cell phone rings and it's my mom. I know she's probably asleepawake. I answer and she says "Bobbi, what exit is your street? I think I'm almost to your house."
"What?!" I shriek as I bound off the couch, "Where are you?!" I motion to my husband to call in the calvary. He gets on the horn to reach my sisters so we can plan our next move. She has driven to the store while awakeasleep before. The though of my mother, in la-la land, tooling about the countryside in her pick up is terrifying! She tells me she is not sure where she is but she thinks she's almost here. "Are you on I35?" I ask. "I don't know." is all that she can tell me. A few times she tried to get off the phone with me and I start to panic. "NO MOM!!! DON"T HANG UP!" I yell at her. "Put your shoes on!" I mouth to Stephen. He throws up his arms and says "Where am I gonna go?" "I don't know!" I mouth back.

I asked her to tell me what was around her, trees, houses, lights, what?! She never really gives us an answer that is of much help but there was something about no houses around. My sister is trying to locate her husband and I'm looking up neighbors phone numbers on the computer. I wondering if she ever made it out of Enid. "Mom, look for a sign for me. Tell me what the next sign says. I might be just a number and that's okay, I just need you to read me the next sign you see." She agrees but them says she doesn't see any signs. I'm getting a little freaked. All these things running through my head like her driving until she runs out of gas, thumbing a ride, ending up in a ditch.... okay "Mom, I need to know where you are!" My voice must have sounded stressed because she started getting nervous too. "I don't know! I think I'm lost! I'm scared Bobbi!" she whimpers. I realize that I have to maintain my composure so that she doesn't get to stressed.

Again I try to get her to tell me about what is around her or read me a sign. She asks me to hold on while she turns a corner. "READ THE STREET SIGN!!" I scream before she puts the phone down. So we have concluded that she's not on an interstate and not in a neighborhood. Great, we've got her pinpointed now. She says that she doesn't see a street sign and an image creeps into my head of Mom, on some backwoods dirt road without signs, low on gas and possible not dressed. She tells me that the truck stalled and put the phone down for a few seconds. She tells me she got it back started and I hear it, but it's louder this time. So now, my possible undressed, completely nutty mother is on some dirt road without signs, low on gas and is out of her car! I ask her to get back in the truck and she does. It's still loud so I ask her to roll up the window and she does. It still seems louder than it did before but whatever. I've got to find her!

I try again to coax any information out of her that might be useful. Ronda is on her way to Mom's house to find her husband so they go 'hunting.' This conversation has gone on for over 10 minutes and my heart was pounding the entire time. "Mom." I say very calmly, "I have to know where you are. Tell me about the road you are on. Does it have two lanes, does it have four?" She switches gears without any warning and throws me for a loop "What are you talking about roads and lanes for? I'm mowing the backyard." WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I have no idea what is going on! "MOM! Turn off the mower and go inside." My husband flips around and looks at me with his forehead wrinkled up. "I can't! I have to get this mowed of Cliff is going to be mad!" she whimpers again. "You don't have to mow it now Mom, we'll mow it tomorrow." Stephen, again on the phone with the calvary relays the info and says "They mowed the yard today!" "Well, she's mowing it again!" I tell him.

"MOM!! TURN OFF THE MOWER!" I say in a voice that you should never use to talk to your parents with. "Okay" she complies. "GO IN THE HOUSE!" As she walks to what I hope is her house and not some farmers on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, I hear the phone ringing. Stephen is calling it from his cell! What a smart guy! I confirm that she in fact in her house and she closes his phone. He's still on the house phone with my sister who asks if we should still have Ronda go over there. I don't know! I ask mom to please lie down and she does. She's not going to go to bed, just take a nap. Fine with me! I ask her to stay lied down until Ronda gets there is she says "Please No! Don't let Ronda come over here! I don't want to talk to Ronda!" Okay, so she's upset with Ronda about something. "Alright, well you lay down or I'm gonna have Ronda come over there!" I get off the phone with her, leaving her on the couch of her 'nap.'

A few minutes later Ronda calls with the update. She arrived at mother's house where she finds our mother in the back of the pickup, wearing only a t-shirt and undies. When she sees Ronda, she starts to yell and cuss and tells her to get the F out of there and all kinds of other lovely things. I don't know at what point Mom 'came to' but when I was on the phone with Ronda, Mom was sitting across from her with no recollection of what just happened. I can hear her in the background and I tell Ronda "She's not awake!" "Bobbi," Ronda says in her calm authoritative voice "I'm sitting right her talking to her and she is awake." "I'm awake!" Mom says in the background. Her voice still sounds different, like it does when she's asleepawake. I get off the phone and Ronda comes home. Mom calls me back a bit later. She kind of remembers Ronda being there, but not why and nothing before that. I tell her what happened and she apologizes up and down. Ahh, it's not her fault she's nuts. She tells me about her stressful evening and it doesn't suprise me. She has her worse episodes after stressing about something. Her and Cliff had a fight about his son coming to stay with them for a while. I guess it was pretty ugly and he stormed off to sleep in the semi that was parked down the road. We talked for another 1/2 hour and then both decided it was time for bed. For real this time.

We didn't catch each other to talk to her yesterday but we talk again today. She starts to tell me about the fight her and Cliff had... I remind her that we talked that night and she has no memory of it. She doesn't remember Ronda. She doesn't remember being in the bed of the pickup half naked. She doesn't remember our phone conversation. She certainly doesn't remember mowing the backyard in the middle of the night. I bet the neighbors do.

I'm trying....

So many days have went by without me blogging a single word. Life has been overwhelming and I haven't found the time. I don't know whether to start where I left off or start where I am now, so I may skip around! I'm trying... Also, I know that this subject isn't the most fun to rehash, but it's kinda necessary for me. Like therapy, only cheaper. I don't even know if anyone reads this stuff, but just in case there was my disclaimer!

My sister in law, Tracie and my niece Miranda flew in to OKC and my sister picked them up. It was so wonderful to see them again, even though the circumstances where awful. They stayed with us and while here, Miranda reminded her mom that my house was they last place they were all together as a family. They had visited OK during early summer. It was still very surreal for them both, since they didn't see him everyday, but very much so for Miranda. Tracie was insistent on viewing the body even though my mom and Landon (their son) were against it. My husband and I supported Tracie in her decision, as she was his wife. I just realized that names might be really confusing right about now. My dad's name - Landon, my brother - Danny, Danny's son - Landon, my son - Danny. Not to mention the Ronda, Renda, Randa, Landon, Miranda, Bryanna, Randon thing we got going! Say that three times fast!

The funeral home set up a private viewing so only people that were told about it would know. Well, private or not, my brother had about a million friends and many of them showed up at the funeral home to see him. Tracie held Miranda and told her "This is going to be hard" but she knew that it wasn't even real for her yet and this was necessary. The two of them went in first and I could hear Miranda sobbing from the hallway. It was heart wrenching. I had just lost my dad, but she is just a child (10), now having to grow up without her dad. Her dad that was her most awesome everything before the drugs made him an idiot and still most of the time after.

My wonderful husband stayed home with me for two weeks plus a couple days during all of this. He did a wonderful video for my father and then again for my brother. I wrote the eulogy for both my dad and brother and I really wanted to read them but I didn't have the guts to do it. I'm not a public speaker, and I figured I would break down if reading it in person. We had the pastor read Dad's. I really felt pushed to do Danny's, but I was still very nervous so, we prerecorded it!

Most people have regrets when they lose someone and this time it's no different. Mom wishes she'd have done something. Ronda wishes the time they spent together the day before would have been different. Jimmy wishes the councilor would have called back earlier. You see, Danny asked for help the day before he died. He wanted to go to rehab. My brother in law spent hours trying to locate and set up a space for him. I don't really have many 'I wish' things. I wish I would have got to visit my dad before he died. I hadn't been able to make the trip with four kids to see him since he'd moved from the hospital in December. Of course, I wish they hadn't died.

My brother and I were very close for most of my life. When he came down from Colorado to visit he would go to Enid. I almost always dropped whatever I was up to and hauled myself and kids to Enid to see him. Tracie told me a few years ago that it really meant alot to him that I always came to see him when he came to Oklahoma. That means alot, I didn't know it was as important to him to see us and it was for us to see him. Even with his flaws, he was my big brother and he rocked! The only two 'vacations' we have ever taken were to Colorado to stay with Danny and Tracie. I didn't spend very much time with Danny after he came back to Enid the last time. I don't regret that. He was not the same Danny, he was the drugs. Anyone having experience with drug addicts can tell you how it totally changes a person. I prefer to cherish the times I spent with Danny, rather than the encounters with the drugs.

I don't know how long this process is 'supose' to take, but I still get upset almost every day. The first two weeks, I barely had time to cry. The next several weeks, I refused to cry. During an evening with friends I told them that I wasn't dealing with things. I said "I wouldn't say I'm in denial, I mean, I know their dead. I'm just not dealing with it." A sweet friend looked me in the eye and said "That's denial Bobbi." Oh. Two nights in a row, I have lay awake in bed, tears streaming even though I am so tired I could sleep for a week. So while I have stopped refusing to cry, it's far from over.