My sister in law, Tracie and my niece Miranda flew in to OKC and my sister picked them up. It was so wonderful to see them again, even though the circumstances where awful. They stayed with us and while here, Miranda reminded her mom that my house was they last place they were all together as a family. They had visited OK during early summer. It was still very surreal for them both, since they didn't see him everyday, but very much so for Miranda. Tracie was insistent on viewing the body even though my mom and Landon (their son) were against it. My husband and I supported Tracie in her decision, as she was his wife. I just realized that names might be really confusing right about now. My dad's name - Landon, my brother - Danny, Danny's son - Landon, my son - Danny. Not to mention the Ronda, Renda, Randa, Landon, Miranda, Bryanna, Randon thing we got going! Say that three times fast!
The funeral home set up a private viewing so only people that were told about it would know. Well, private or not, my brother had about a million friends and many of them showed up at the funeral home to see him. Tracie held Miranda and told her "This is going to be hard" but she knew that it wasn't even real for her yet and this was necessary. The two of them went in first and I could hear Miranda sobbing from the hallway. It was heart wrenching. I had just lost my dad, but she is just a child (10), now having to grow up without her dad. Her dad that was her most awesome everything before the drugs made him an idiot and still most of the time after.
My wonderful husband stayed home with me for two weeks plus a couple days during all of this. He did a wonderful video for my father and then again for my brother. I wrote the eulogy for both my dad and brother and I really wanted to read them but I didn't have the guts to do it. I'm not a public speaker, and I figured I would break down if reading it in person. We had the pastor read Dad's. I really felt pushed to do Danny's, but I was still very nervous so, we prerecorded it!
Most people have regrets when they lose someone and this time it's no different. Mom wishes she'd have done something. Ronda wishes the time they spent together the day before would have been different. Jimmy wishes the councilor would have called back earlier. You see, Danny asked for help the day before he died. He wanted to go to rehab. My brother in law spent hours trying to locate and set up a space for him. I don't really have many 'I wish' things. I wish I would have got to visit my dad before he died. I hadn't been able to make the trip with four kids to see him since he'd moved from the hospital in December. Of course, I wish they hadn't died.
My brother and I were very close for most of my life. When he came down from Colorado to visit he would go to Enid. I almost always dropped whatever I was up to and hauled myself and kids to Enid to see him. Tracie told me a few years ago that it really meant alot to him that I always came to see him when he came to Oklahoma. That means alot, I didn't know it was as important to him to see us and it was for us to see him. Even with his flaws, he was my big brother and he rocked! The only two 'vacations' we have ever taken were to Colorado to stay with Danny and Tracie. I didn't spend very much time with Danny after he came back to Enid the last time. I don't regret that. He was not the same Danny, he was the drugs. Anyone having experience with drug addicts can tell you how it totally changes a person. I prefer to cherish the times I spent with Danny, rather than the encounters with the drugs.
I don't know how long this process is 'supose' to take, but I still get upset almost every day. The first two weeks, I barely had time to cry. The next several weeks, I refused to cry. During an evening with friends I told them that I wasn't dealing with things. I said "I wouldn't say I'm in denial, I mean, I know their dead. I'm just not dealing with it." A sweet friend looked me in the eye and said "That's denial Bobbi." Oh. Two nights in a row, I have lay awake in bed, tears streaming even though I am so tired I could sleep for a week. So while I have stopped refusing to cry, it's far from over.
No comments:
Post a Comment