"Bobbi, Grief is Messy!"

That is what one sweet friend of mine reminded me today. It is messy, and while my house is frequently messy, I don't like my emotions to be. It seems as though I don't have to be rock for my mom every minute and I am trying to allow myself to grieve. I fight crying all the time. I don't want to do it. It makes my head hurt, my eyes red and it makes me feel vulnerable. I certainly don't like to cry around real, live people!!

Yesterday my sister in law received the autopsy report and she scanned it in and emailed it to me. I had to read it word for word, cover to cover. Oh, my, was it ever painful! The only moments I have had that hard were when I was told he was dead. Not the planning, not the funeral, not even the days after. But going through the autopsy was hard. I didn't expect that. When my sister called me to tell me that Tracie received it, I started to tremble. I had shaky hands like I hadn't eaten all day or something. I hadn't even seen it yet. Then I found it in my email and read it, reread it and looked up several words that I didn't have a clue what they meant.

What the funny thing (funny odd, not funny haha) is that the results were exactly what I expected. There weren't any surprises. So why then did it hit me like a ton of bricks flying through the air? I cried with my husband and finally found sleep. Today has not been a stroll in the park. Lots to do with Baskets of Blessings ( http://www.letsgetup.org/). I ran in and out of town 3 times, and one of those times I went up and down my driveway 3 times to run back in the house 3 times to get stuff I forgot, 3 times! I think I may have been preoccupied...!

We went to a birthday party and everyone asked me if I was okay. I asked my husband if I just an open book or what and he said that when something is weighing on my heart that I lack a certain Bobbi-ness that people are used to. What? Okay, so everyone asked me if I was okay, and I really just couldn't even slap on a smile and lie. One of the girls even asked me if I needed to cry and I said "Yes!" Or maybe I just nodded my head, I don't know, I was to busy crying!

My sister called while we were at the party and she told me about calling our sister in law. I told her that I hadn't called her, because I just couldn't. She did talk to her and Tracie said that when she received the report she called the medical examiner because she had some questions. Renda relayed that the M.E. told her that of the two drugs in his system, alprazolam (Xanax) and methadone, neither of them were of lethal doses. They were only fatal because they were together. This was worse than ripping the scab off of a wound, it was more like pouring salt into it. I started to cry all over again. Why does all of this bother me more than seeing him dead or holding his ashes? All I can gather is that it's done now. There isn't anything more to anticipate. Nothing more to deal with, no papers to sign or plots to choose. It's final and it sucks. The enemy is trying to pull that "If only" crap with me. I refuse to fall for it. Danny was meant to go, when he went. I prayed a prayer, many prayers during worship and through lots of tears, prayers of thanks that the Lord took him when he did. The last months and weeks of his life had caused so much pain for everyone around him, and mostly for him. A good friend of mine told me about losing her brother. She said that he was not an over comer and it was as if the Lord finally said "That's enough son, stop this nonsense and come home." That is exactly how I feel about this. The details of the amounts of drugs are just details from the enemy to promote guilt and questioning. Our pastor has said before that 'the devil is in the details' and I know he's right.

As I was driving home after the party I began to think about Danny's life and his death. There was a time last year when we worried about him and cancer. I told him I would let someone saw me in half to save him. I thought about all the people in my life that I am willing to die for. Then I thought about if I would trade my life for Danny's. A bigger picture started to be painted in me as I drove on. The Lord asked me 'What would make a bigger difference for the Kingdom?' I thought about that. My life, his life, his death. It became clear all over again that his death was for a higher purpose. I have never led anyone to Christ personally. But at my brother's funeral, 12 people came into the Family of God! When I talked about this to my husband he said "It's so much bigger when you think of the differences that we may make in someones life, and the difference he made for their eternity." He's so wise! I knew I married him for more than his amazing smile! I heard a song the other day and instantly fell in love with it. It's my new theme song. Something Heavenly by Sanctus Real ( http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZZayut9i45M

All in all, this still stinks. Grieving is messy and I don't know how to do it. I just know I can't do it without Him. Thank you all for your prayers and loving words. I can't tell you what it means to me that so many people ask me how I am, not out of obligation, but out of love. And they really mean it, they don't want me to say 'Fine' with a fake smile, they want me to be honest and get messy if I need to. Thank you guys!